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9 minute read

December 1, 2024, 12:00 AM

Some of you may have been surprised to open the website today and find this photo staring back at you:

This one had its origins on Facebook.  Back on November 4, I made this post:

It was a random thought that came to mind at a time when I had an opportunity to make a post, so I did.  The responses were about what I expected, with a lot of “Haha” reacts, as well as expressions of surprise, encouragement, and discouragement.  I suspect that a lot of these people had not explored this website very deeply, because then they would definitely know that I have been photographed in a speedo on multiple occasions in the past (though it has been a while since the last time), so it wouldn’t be as shocking of a revelation had they seen that I had done something like this before.  But in any case, everyone got a laugh about it and then we moved on, especially since the election was the following day.

But then I had a realization: I still needed a splash photo for December.  I also already owned a red speedo.  That said, this would be an easy one to actually do, because all I would need to do was purchase a Santa hat, and you can get one of those anywhere.  It was just a matter of finding the time and getting up the nerve to do it.  So file that away for a moment.

I also was playing with Meta’s (i.e. Facebook/Instagram) generative AI features around this same time, which can take your face and make fanciful photos of you.  In order for that to work, I had to take a photo of myself to their specifications and submit it, and then their systems went to work.  This is what the first roll of the algorithm gave me:

Yeah, that totally looks like me.  They got the glasses right, but I haven’t had that much hair in a very long time, plus I would never dress like that.  I also feel like this guy would be whiny and unpleasant to interact with.

So that one was kind of a bust.  Fair.  Generative AI is not perfect.  So I had it conjure up an image of me as a superhero:

That face actually looks like me, and I’m not going to lie to you: I was tempted to run it on the website showing me as this combination of Superman and Captain America.  If only I was that built in real life.

I then had it imagine me working in a subway system, which I actually do in real life:

I don’t know who that guy is, but it isn’t me.  That’s not my face, and I don’t have that much hair.  Also, that uniform looks like it would be uncomfortable, with the tie and the kind of dressy looking jacket.

That looks more like me, but if only I was that skinny.  With this appearance, I look like I’m ready to go down to the trackbed and clamp a switch, or go and inspect something.

This was the third roll of the algorithm on subway systems, and this was my favorite.  It had me bald enough, that’s for sure.  That uniform looks great and would be very functional for wear while working (hint, hint, management).  But look at those arms.  Apparently Facebook thinks I’m more built than I really am.  I’m sure all of those veins exist in my arms in real life, but I’ve never actually seen them before.

Then I told it to imagine me working at Walmart, which I actually did from late 2003 to early 2007:

I suppose that’s me in a grocery store.  If only I looked that good when I worked at Walmart, rather than this awkward, chubby twentysomething that was trying to find their way in their career but knew that Walmart wasn’t it.  Though the expression on that second image looks somewhat pained, which I suppose is fitting for working at Walmart (I do not miss that job).

Then I took a side trip for a moment and had it imagine George Washington:

The prompt for this one was, “George Washington sitting on a couch wearing jeans and a t-shirt and enjoying a cold beer.”  This image makes him look like someone very approachable, that you could imagine sitting down and having a beer with, too.

Then I had it draw up George Washington wearing something that I imagine that he would have never worn in real life:

Nice speedo, George.

So now we know that the AI can generate a guy in a speedo, though you have to call it “swim briefs” in order to get it to render.  So I had it put me in a red speedo, similar to the original Facebook post:

That’s my face, I suppose, but that is most definitely not my body.  I’m sure that all of those muscles exist on me somewhere, but I’ve never seen them before.

Then I went a little closer, and asked for the speedo with the Santa hat:

I look like I’m barely able to contain my amusement in this image, and I suspect that even the AI knows how ridiculous the thing that it just generated is with that oversized head and even bigger Santa hat.

So I had it do that one over:

That looks better.  The proportions are normal for a human (even if I’m a bit wider around the middle than it gives me credit for here), and it did about what I wanted.

With that last image, the thought did cross my mind that if I ended up not doing the speedo photo for real, I could always crop the image or extend out the sides to fit the 4:3 aspect ratio that I use for the splash photo, and run it.

So throughout November, I was thinking about doing the speedo photo.  Just about every day, I was thinking, you know, you have time to do this, but either the weather wasn’t right, or I was busy, or something distracted me.  By the week of Thanksgiving, I knew that if I was going to do it, my time was running out, and it was time to, as my mother has said before, “Poop or get off the pot.”  I had taken some selfies earlier in the month that would be suitable for running on the front of the website, but they were generically themed, so I could use them any time, but I didn’t want to run one of those because I had a much more interesting idea for December, and didn’t want to squander it, especially when you really can’t run a Christmas-themed photo in any month other than December.

Then on Black Friday, while I was sitting at home uploading stuff to my photo website, I glanced out of the window, saw that it was nice out, and said, “Let’s do it!”  I went into my dresser, pulled out the red speedo, and put it on.  I put my clothes back on over it, grabbed my car keys, put a battery and a memory card in the drone, pulled a green towel out of the linen closet, and I went over to the other side of my neighborhood to do this shoot, picking out a little slope off of Snouffer School Road.  I parked the car, and then set down the towel.  I set the drone down on a nearby walking path (because it’s better to launch from a hard surface rather than grass), and then put it up in the air just high enough for it to be out of the way while I finished setting up.  I set the towel down, and then got myself into position for what I wanted to do.

First up was what I call a “fit test”, i.e. positioning the drone and getting the shot lined up:

This shot was basically the same as what I did for the real one, just with clothes on, and upon review, the camera position and everything was verified.

Then came the moment of truth: I had to undress.  So I just stood there on the towel, in full view of the road, taking off my shirt and then my pants.  I’m sure that there were some drivers who were wondering what I was up to, especially if they didn’t see the drone hovering nearby.  I also didn’t realize exactly how cold it was until I stripped down to just a speedo and socks, because prior to that, I had gone from my heated house to my heated car (which I had remote-started to ensure that it was warm before I went out), and then was still basking in all of that heat when I got out to the spot and set up.  All of that heat contained by my clothes went away as soon as I took them off, and I was thinking to myself, you had to pick the coldest day possible to do this as I got ready to pose.

I shot a few alternates to the one that I ultimately selected, like this one:

This wasn’t too different than the final shot, but I was posing the opposite way.  Note my clothes and phone on the ground next to me.  That appeared in all of the shots, and I knew it going into this, and I had always planned to digitally remove them for the final image.

Then I got down on the towel to get a photo of me laying down:

I was not pleased with this angle.  It compressed me and made me look a lot heavier than I really am.  It kind of reminded me of those scenes in movies where the villains zoom in on someone while observing them from afar.  And that wasn’t the look that I was going for.

In hindsight on that last one, I am reminded of the shot that I have of a man laying on the beach in Chicago, which I usually refer to as my “dumpy white guy” photo.  It made me really start to question why I would do any better with an image of myself.  Good thing I had already taken standing shots, because laying down wasn’t doing it.  Plus the pose looked awkward anyway.

Another thought that I had when I was looking at the imagery on the drone remote was, you are so white.  I have practically no color, as I spend my days working in a subway tunnel and therefore never tan, and the drone’s screen made me look even paler than the photos show.  Next time I do something like this, it might be worthwhile to invest in one of those fake tans, to give myself just a little bit of color.

Once I was finished with the photography, rest assured that I put my clothes back on very quickly, because it was cold out, and I was standing outside in a speedo.  I then landed the drone back on the walking path, and collected everything.  My timing was perfect, too, because just as I was leaving, a man came over taking his two dogs for a walk, and I guarantee you that those dogs would have come over to investigate what I was up to and gotten in my way.

So there you have it.  From a humorous remark on Facebook to reality.  I may not have “the body” for a speedo, but it’s the only body that I’ve got, and you only live once.  And don’t worry – January’s splash photo is already set and scheduled, using one of the generic selfies that I didn’t want to run for this month, so there is no chance of the speedo shot’s lingering beyond just the one month.

Categories: Artificial intelligence, Schumin Web meta, Social media